Hello, your fairy God-Librarian here, and I keep having waking dreams about going back to school and no, I’m not referring to the continuous nightmares involving my disastrous stint as an elementary teacher.
A couple of years ago, a seed was planted in my head, and I’ve had no idea how to cultivate it to full bloom. This idea involved going back to get a Master’s degree, an idea I never entertained when I was finishing up my Bachelor’s because it seemed so unnecessary at the time. At that stage in my life, when I was merely three steps away from attaining a full-time job as a public school elementary teacher, a Bachelor’s degree was all I needed. Master’s degrees are not required to teach public school and so, I headed full steam towards the next stage in my life. Not only did my youth prevent me from understanding exactly what I wanted to even continue to study if not more years of scholastic pursuit within the field of elementary education, but done were the days I endured having to constantly spend money instead of earning it and days having to complete homework instead of assigning it. I was ready to get out into the real world and make something of myself.
Without having to go into all of the details, that dream deflated like a popped balloon. Being a teacher was not to be for me. The concept of forcing young teens to know exactly what they want to do with their lives then pushing them out into that risky decision, ready or not, is ludicrous. As a teenager, I had no idea what I wanted to do with the rest of my life and “something with books so why not study English” was not good enough for my family. I got pushed into studying elementary education because my family had observed how I had seemingly enjoyed mothering children much younger than myself. Honestly, they had no idea either and fell back upon that old bugaboo–patriarchy–to steer me away from a risky path towards one that was more feasible for females. If only I had had the courage to stand up to them, or I had had more guidance in my young life, to steer me in the right direction. Despite this, I am still passionate about the field of education, but I understand now as an adult what I didn’t as a teenager that I am more of an educator than a teacher.
Of course, breaking out into a new field is not exactly easy, so it took a few more years of still working, albeit for even less money, as a teacher in various different roles in various different locations before I could win a position in the field I discovered only later in life I really wanted to pursue: public librarianship.
I view the library sciences as a similiar field to education. This is how I was able to bring what skills I learned as an education major and a professional teacher to the job of circulation clerk and eventually cataloger at my childhood public library. To that effect, I was able to learn through experience how to do the job as a librarian without needing the Master’s degree in Library Science.
But oh, how that idea is temptuous. The idea of attaining such a degree is calling my name. It would even include a certificate in Archival Studies that I think would make me more compelling to future employers, on top of just being a field of study that fascinates me. I’ve done the research, even discovered a grant that would pay me back every penny I spend on a Master’s degree as long as I fulfill their requirements, and still I can’t apply. There is only one school in the state that offers this degree and yes, it can be pursued in person or online, but I know myself well enough to understand that I cannot attend school online. Call me old-fashioned, but my experience teaching classes or attending seminars online has always been a huge waste of time. My mind just cannot compute if it has to self-motivate through a computer screen. Oh, I can focus entirely on phone, TV, or computer screens, duh, but not in a professional nor academic setting, especially if it involves having to pay lots of money beforehand. So, in order to apply for the degree and the grant, I would have to move to the city, an hour and a half’s drive from my hometown, which would also involve having to leave my job.
Now, I love my job. It can be stressful sometimes, but the pros outweigh the cons. Cons: the pay is equivalent to how someone would have lived somewhat decently in the economy of the 1970s. This is 2023 and within the past decade, inflation has exploded like a greedy, spoiled child who wants a candybar at the expense of another much needier child. Also, now that the country’s collection of unintelligent, hateful people have just now started attacking the librarians for a job that they have been doing for close to one hundred years, getting attacked on a regular basis has added to the stress. Overall, however, the work is fulfilling. Pros: after two and a half years, I am now the cataloger of the library thanks to the faith my previous boss placed in me when my predecessor moved on to another position.
With this, some of my coworkers have expressed their doubts. Here I am, no Master’s degree for a job that normally requires one, la-de-da I must be so important now. They do not say such things to me to harm me, and I truly admire everyone on our staff, but I have had to admit once or twice that when our boss promoted me to the position, I have been dealing with a level of imposter’s syndrome ever since. According to another coworker, getting the Master’s degree could help aleviate this and would garauntee my chance if I pursued another job in the future, whereas now, my lack of credentials would not.
Oh, the pressure I am putting on myself. I keep pushing the decision to apply further and further away because I do not want to put myself in a position where I have thrown away a full-time job for unemployment just so I can pursue a Master’s degree in person. How will I afford rent, bills, phone, gas, groceries, my dog, etc. if going to school in person would prevent me from having a job? I can barely afford all of these necessities now.
I am still at a loss about what to do. Some I’ve talked to about my conundrum are frustrated by my repeated refusals to just do the degree online and others are sympathetic but unable to help me figure out what to do. I’ve got my whole class schedule figured out already, but it haunts me like a graveyard. I hate that my Bachelor’s degree is not good enough for future opportunities as well as this innate desire to pursue higher learning that acts like a cancer sometimes when the moment is not opportune. Next, employers are going to start requiring Ph. Ds for something like driving buses.
Thanks for enduring my whining. I’ll update in the future.
Love,
Lacie 🙂